I will survive.

You might be wondering how I survived the harsh realities associated with working in an urban school. After this past year, I wouldn’t hesitate to place myself somewhere in between Mother Theresa and superman. But I must admit I didn’t defeat any of the villains in my story without the help of my trusty sidekicks.

Colleen Fare was one of the first people I had met at the school last fall. We were both new, desperate for a teaching job and scared out of our minds. Colleen’s commute was, and still is, an hour and fifteen minutes. She was awarded perfect attendance in June. Colleen is one of the most dedicated professionals in the biz! She was hired to teach 7th and 8th grade Special Education Language Arts which always amused us because when she showed up in September they told her she was teaching spec ed. math. We never did find out why.

Besides our love of cream cheese poppers, Colleen and I shared something else in common that year: Keith String. Keith was classified as ED (emotionally disturbed.) He would often have conversations with himself using different accents and had the worse breath you could ever imagine. I’m pretty sure the kid brushed his teeth with garlic every morning. Scratch that. I don’t actually think he owned a tooth brush. He was in my homeroom and Colleen’s math class. During lunch Colleen would often share Keith’s daily journal entries with me.

Prompt would read as follows: “Math is all around us. Give two examples of how math is used in our everyday lives.”

Keith’s response:
I told the witch doctor, you didn’t love me true
I told the witch doctor, you didn’t love me nice
And then the witch doctor, he gave me this advice
He said that ooh eeh ooh ahah, ting tang wallawalla bing bang
ooh eeh ooh ahah, ting tang wallawalla bang bang

I met Jill Masters after being mistaken for her several times during our first week. We are both short with brown hair so for some inexplicable reason this made us twins. (Just yesterday the nurse called me Ms. Masters.) After awhile we kind of just went with it. It was easier. One day a student had enough sense to ask why we had different last names if we were twins. We simply explained it was because we had different dads. This answer seemed to be adequate. Jill teaches 7th grade science and is infamous for her rendition of the “scrotum song.”
Last spring one of Jill’s students told her that her “ass was like a biscuit that needed to be buttered.”

I find Jill and my teaching styles to be somewhat similar. Often our response to student behavior that is beyond ridiculous is nothing more than a one word question, often repeated several times:

“Really…Really?”

Our tone is usually a unique combination of shock and sarcasm. For me, my “really?” often translates to

“Are you kidding me? What the hell is wrong with you that you can’t just sit in your seat for 5 minutes while I take attendance?

"Do you actually need bring fireworks to school and light them in the bathroom?

"What’s that? Your mom said she’s “gonna come up in here and get on me” because I asked you to complete homework?”

Yes, my “really?” communicates a great deal. Classroom management at its best.

My friend Kristen Myers (mistakenly referred to as Christine all year by our Chief School Administrator) had a few distinctive classroom management techniques of her own. Kristen was on my 8th grade team. She was the math teacher. I say “was” because Kristen was lucky enough to escape. Over the summer she was offered a position working in a “real” school and she, of course accepted.

Lucky bitch.

Kristen and I were joined at the hip. In fact, this past week while setting up my classroom people stopped by to offer their condolences as if she had died.

“Hey, I heard about Kristen. I’m really sorry.”

“Um, it’s ok. She’s just teaching somewhere else. She’s still alive and well!”

Truth be told, I’m not sure how I will survive this year without her. She brought out a certain strength in me that I never knew I had. I couldn’t help but laugh every time I heard Kristen screaming at her kids 3 doors down. This is of course after the school board took her whistle away.

“I can’t stand you right now” and “I’m going to lock you in a dungeon and torture you “Saw” style if you don’t get out of my face” are amongst my favorite Kristen quotes. And how can ever I forget the time she came to school still drunk after a night out with her brother and threw up at her desk during 5th period. The kids came running down the hall way to get me.

“Miss Mac!! Miss Myers is pregnant!!”

Good times.

I would like to think it was fate that brought the four of us together last year, or maybe just strength in numbers. But whatever the reason, staff and students started to notice our friendship and in a strange way, it made me feel safe.